Posts tagged lol

Guys. At work today we got what amounts to the most beautiful trainwreck of a manuscript I’ve ever seen. Not only was it submitted anonymously in one of those red paper folders we all had in middle school, but it is chock full of the most ridiculous religious conspiracy theories I have ever heard. 

Behold, I give you Unseal the Book.

From start to finish, the book details time and its acceleration (which began the day the Berlin Wall fell), how God will release the New Madrid fault to create a vast inland sea between the Gulf of Mexico and the Great Lakes, and a “surprise maneuver” by Russia and Communist China against the United States. In this attack, submarines along the coast will release nuclear missiles, destroying major cities. Basically, if you lives in Philly, D.C., Miami, Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, or San Diego you are pretty much fucked. The only safe place, according to this tome of great wisdom, will be the Midwest.

In other news, pirated music will give satan and his minions legal right the enter and remain in your home, video games are satan’s way of training up recruits, and a woman’s right to choose is the politically correct way to justify the sacrifice of a child to the god Molech. Or something.

In the event of rapture, beware of satan:

Blue or pink cylindrical beams of light will appear at specific points on the earth. Those who enter the light will be lifted up and transported to the motherships hovering overhead. Once everyone on Satan’s list has boarded, the order will be given to release an energy pulse. Those who fall into Satan’s trap will be killed instantly. Only dust particules from their bodies will remain. 

Apparently only two out of every one hundred people who die are allowed into heaven: “Four of the people who recently entered hell include Kurt Cobain, Selena, Michael Jackson, and Pope John Paul II.”

From the chapter titled “What is the Bermuda Triangle?”

Although Satan’s throne is in the second heaven or outer space, he has a military base on earth. Known as Atlantis or Lemuria, this underground fortress must be accessed by traveling through the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. 

The entrance lies somewhere with the boundaries of the Bermuda Triangle. The spacecraft or beamships that Satan and his subordinates travel in can easily move through water, atmosphere, or the vacuum of outer space.

The motherships that serve as the outposts of his kingdom in space are now converging on the earth and will reveal themselves when the appointed time arrives.

It really doesn’t get any better than that, does it?

Oh wait, it does: “There is hope for U.F.O abductees”

“As the victims of alien abduction eventually come streaming into the Church in search of help and healing, they must be met with understanding and agape love. The ordeal they have suffered through has been horrendous.

The beginning of the end of their nightmare will be found by the surgical removal of the triangular silica tags that have been implanted into their skin near their kneecaps. These silica tags allow the aliens to track their location anywhere. In addition, the small metallic spheres that have been inserted into their noses must be carefully removed by a skilled surgeon. The aliens use the spheres to monitor everything that the abductees see and hear.

This book is a gem, I tell you. An absolute gem.